28.3.18 | 0 commentsHey. It's been a while. Hell it's been a long time since I've updated anything. My last post was, like, 2 years ago. Do people even use blogger still? I don't know. Well, it's better if no one reads this you know I just needed to get some stuff off my chest and I don't know where to go so... here I am.
Let me catch you up on what's been happening.
You see I'm already on my, supposedly, final year in UKM. Why "supposedly"? Well, you see, I flunked my last two semesters. I failed a few papers, one of em twice, so ya retaking some subjects and.. I just can't do it. You might call me a quitter for saying that but wtf am I supposed to do when I can't do it anymore??? Why are people forcing me to do shit I just can't do??? *sigh*
So, okay, my family... is in a bit of a shambles right now, not that it affect my situation in anyway tho trust me. I wanna blame on it but I know better. I know why this is happening and it's sure as hell not because of my family's situation at the moment. I just don't have the heart to do this anymore. You know fo shiz this course is not my first choice. I accepted because it seems like a doable course that my parents are gonna accept since I know I can't do big things but guess what I can't even do this that I think was "doable". Now i'm just stuck in a place regretting not taking any fucking action since the beginning I've been following my parents, like, what do they want, what will they approve of, what will make them proud????
I've been trying to adjust everything to their liking and now this is all my fault?? Yea okay this is all my fault everything is on me. I can't even turn to my friends now you know...I don't wanna mess them up with my mess, eventually they'll get sick of someone as pathetic as me.
How do I feel?
I'm furious. I'm sad. I'm disappointed.
My parents actually offered me to change my course to something I really wanna do. Note this: my parents offered me. I did not pitch in the idea. Of course I've been wanting to change my course but I couldn't tell them. What would they think of me? What would they say? Will the even agree to it? Will they see me as a failure for even asking??? Will I disappoint them????
But believe me when I saw a tiny bit of hope left when they asked me first about changing courses. I was betting on it. I raised my hope that I know I shouldn't. I've been telling myself it's too good to be true...and it is. I don't know what happened but they revoked the offer and ask me to finish my degree even if I have to extend my semesters, by hook or by crook, the degree needs to be in my hand.
I just..can't do it. Why? Why can't you see I just can't do it anymore??? Why is it that you feel the need to compare me with anyone in this world at all????? I just can't do it???? It's that fucking hard to get????
As usual, I don't have the guts to tell them off. I don't have the guts to speak my mind.
I'm tired. I just want this to end.
7.5.16 | 0 commentsI don't know whether it's just me feeling this way, or is it actually real that I am incapable of fitting in anywhere I go. It doesn't matter what I do, I'm always gonna feel.. like an alien. Even tho I'm having fun or whatever, at the end of the day, I still feel out of place. Like a small pebble in a bag of flour. Yeah, exactly. Like, people are going to wonder why the hell is there a friggin pebble in a bag of flour ? I mean, how the hell did it even get in there in the first place ? Nobody knows how and why. But what they do know is that it's totally useless. I, am useless. I think people think of me as a bore. I don't know, just, maybe. It sure as hell feel like it. And it sure as hell feel like lots of people hate me and feel that I am fucking annoying.
"somebody who will stay beside me to tell me that I won't be alone."
26.4.16 | 0 comments
I feel like my life is a train wreck. I feel crappy. I feel like I'm the shittiest person in the world. I feel useless. I feel torn. I feel betrayed. I feel left out. I feel insecure. I feel ugly. I feel stupid. I feel incompetent. I feel alone.
I feel nothing.
25.2.16 | 0 commentsZup zup zup
The reason I put up the title as cherry is cuz I'm having a major stomachache (can't relate, huh ?) lol prolly cuz I wasn't eating at the right time. Didn't ate breakfast and I only had sausage bun for lunch and I didn't even eat it on time for lunch he he he and now I'm facing the consequences...
Anyways, guess how I did on my exam ? I got 3.43 ! If you ask me, it's a bit unbelievable cuz I thought I wouldn't get that much HARDY HAR HAR. Didn't get anything for it tho. I might be happy for it but it doesn't seem that way with... blablabla... I failed, I guess ha ha.
Oh, hey. What would you feel if a friend of yours neglect you for...a horrible reason..or so.... it's like you're really close to that person but at the same time you hate that person for being that person but then that person left you aside for other person...but you don't like that person tho I mean you don't like that person in any way, am I making sense here ? Guess not har har har. But I'm really bummed with that person tho for being such an ass but I bet that person doesn't even know and I don't plan on letting that person know or wuteves I'm ranting non stop hahahahahahahahaha....
Do you know how it feels like wanting a person there with you I meant the opposite gender shut up you know what I mean by it. It's not like I want to be committed, like, okay no I want to commit wait no I, okay I'm complicated I just want a person to be there for me and for me to be there for him and well you know ugh I meant to feel that I belong with a person okay okay a boyfriend. To love or wuteves and to be loved like that why the hell am I ranting like this. Okay it's not like I'm tots desperate for a boyfriend or wuteves no and you think a girl would learn from her past mistakes hardy har har I'm just lonely okay... yea.. I'm just lonely..
I'm like a ghost in your chat room,
31.1.16 | 0 commentsSup dawgs ?
wow, how long has it been since I last posted an entry ? So, hey. I'm a university student now. Didn't make it into UMP tho. I'm in UKM now pursuing English studies. Everything's fine, I guess. 'Cept for the people there. Yea some are fine but some are.. fucking irritating dude I'm not even joking here it's true. I guess a bigger place comes with a wider range of human species, if you know what I mean. Sheesh. Fucking annoying.
Anyway, I'm on my semester break now. First semester ended. I'll be going back for the second semester this 21st February.
Oh hey, I bought a new laptop. Now I can play a bunch of games. Though it's freakin huge and it takes up a lot of space on my desk. On the other hand, my phone is getting shittier day by day. The battery wont even last more than 2 hours and it keeps on shot wire my charging cable. I changed my cable like, thousands of times, exaggerated, but it feels like thousands of times. Pshh. I'm thinking of changing my phone to a new one but the same model lol. Big problemoooooo. I don't have the greens, 'less they accept grasses and leaves. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Get it ? 'Cuz they're green ? Okay don't laugh I'm pathetic.
Thinking of getting a drawing tablet but I don't even know which brand is bomb enough to use. I don't even know how to use the damn thing BHAHAHAHAha ha ha....ehm.. Still, no money to buy em. Maybe I can talk mom in to buy it for me if I get good results. eheheheheheheheheheee..... but, then... I'll be in a dilemma to ask her to buy me the drawing tablet or a new phone.... *gasp* this is a crisis !
I'm so aloooone~
9th June 2015
9.6.15 | 0 commentsHey.
Haven't write anything in this blog for a while huh ?
well for starters, i left college.
NOT KICKED OUT, OKAY. left in peace since i finished there.
you know, my english nowadays sucks, bad. nobody wants to talk in english with me there in college duh. so boring.
anyways, today is supposed to be the day our final's results come out. i've tried checking thru text but it didnt work. i've tried checking online but it didnt work either. so i dont know when i'll get my result. waiting for the mail i guess.
I dont think I acted like a proper student during exam..
22.12.14 | 0 commentsit's been a while.
i dont even know what to update but things in college has been going...great.
i guess it is. well, i dont know how to put it. many things had happened. this and that. small matters, big matters.
lately i'm feeling, a bit, down i guess ?
so, i'm determined to finish college and continue with engineering in UMP but how the heck am i suppose to get there ? i'm lazy, i slack off too often, and i hardly try to do anything to improve things.
well, maybe now i'm starting to take action but still, i dont think it's enough and i dont think it'll last long. i cant give up now but i've been trying to give up a long time ago till now. wth is wrong with me. why cant i make up my mind ?
on the other hand, i've been going in and out of depression over another thing. am i not good enough to have it ? am i that bad ? dont i deserve to have it ? or maybe i deserve to get stuck in this situation forever. but, it's nice to know that i can still get my heart broken since the last time it happened. i thought i could never feel anything anymore after what happened but, i still do. it feels good to have my heart broken a few times. it hurts, but it feels good. i'm dying from it, but i feel alive. why ? because at least i can still feel. at least i know i still have emotions to express.
but i hope everything will turn out good in the end.